| Hi, It's me again. |
[Apr. 14th, 2007|03:04 am] |
So, after rereading my March Twenty-First post, I decided to read into depression.
I've concluded two things:
1.) I show a great deal of symptoms of depression, and a great deal of the time.
2.) I do not believe I am depressed.
I know what you are thinking. Oh, sure, but you are a male and males would never admit it, or for those who know me better, you really do not believe you are but you are indeed. Or maybe you were not thinking those things and you were patiently waiting for me to enlighten you on what you should think about me. Or maybe I am rambling.
On to what I think: I am perfectly healthy. I may be a little down at times and sad, but those are due to the things I am surrounded by. You see, I have two problems in my life right now. Those two problems are as follows in order of importance:
1.) I feel like I connect deeply with very few people in that innermost circle of thoughts, and I am a male, so it is unassumed that I need that connection to survive and thrive. I do. I need people, and not only do I need people, but I need someone arrogant enough to think she (and I really need a she here) understands me better than I understand myself. And, I know what you are thinking, it takes time. But, you know when you meet someone that (S)he will likely grow to understand you in such a light. I know no one like that currently.
2.) I am not content on what I do with my days currently. And I have no immediate prospect of finding a way to remedy that. No, I am not looking and no, I have not a clear idea of where it is I should be starting. The hole I am in is very deep and I do not know which way to dig as I have said before. I feel like I need someone, like a someone I just spoke of, to smack me in the face with it. Limitations and direction fuel creativity.
I would like to reiterate that I do not feel I am depressed, though I would lie in a blaze of masculinity if I thought I was (I am not that blase). If anyone has an expert opinion to the contrary that they have been harboring against me for quite some time because they were unwilling to smash my gentle feelings against the cleft rock of reality (such a brutal rock) I would not be unwilling to indulge them however.
In other news, which inevitably one of you will find much more relevant, I just bit the head off of a bunny. And it was good. And I would do it again given the chance. |
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| A week less than a month. |
[Apr. 14th, 2007|02:29 am] |
I changed a few happenings in my life since last month. I still need to do a few more. I am better, but there are still mainstays in my life keeping me stagnant. Life has been seeming to point me towards the idea of "Honor even in defeat." Maybe it's the media, in prelude to disasters abroad, but I feel as if I do not want to take that message unto myself. I want honor, but life cannot defeat me. Me, whatever it is I am and whatever I will and am meant to be, is larger than defeat. I still need a direction, but now I am probing from where I stand. I still need connection, but those are dimming from what I can tell.
I have started writing again. I made an executive decision to not use any of my past works. One question looms in that endeavor: Should Ryaltar's father die at home in his sleep, or just never return home? Most of you, if anyone reads this, have entirely no idea what I am referring to. If you care to know, respond with your email, and I will send you an email with the first working rough draft of my first chapter.
Until then, may the only thing that hurts you be pain itself. |
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| Get out of my brain |
[Mar. 21st, 2007|02:35 am] |
Haven't posted since September 28th. I don't know if I am more positive or less positive than I was at that point. I had a mental breakthrough just now though, at two thirty in the morning on a wednesday morning. The middle of the week. Anyways, my breathkthrough is the realization that I have been on mental autopilot since before I moved to Virginia. I haven't been displaying emotion since then. I haven't really expressed my feelings I had about going there or after I did or after I came back because I really didn't have any. First clue it was a bad decision, I did not feel anything. There isn't a single person I did right by going there, my head was never really in that decision. I'm really only waking up to that right now. There isn't a person affected by that decision that wasn't wronged by it either. That decision was one of the most ridiculously inane decisions I've made since I was born. That hasn't hit me until this moment. I mean really hit me. Like a truck. An entire blackout year from my real life. The year I lived there no one I currently associate with really knows anything about that me. I changed completely, it was like I was me, but I wasn't my same consciousness. That has hindered me until this day, I have been trying to move backwards to a time where I didn't have to feel guilty for bumbling that badly. When really, I should be moving forward to a time where I don't have to feel guilty for bumbling that badly. But, first I have to move outside of the blunder, and I have not yet, but realizing that is my first progress. I shut myself off, I stopped thinking, I stopped what it is to be. I especially stopped what it used to be to be me. Now, I need to redefine what it is to be me, I need a real forward progression, I need to dig out of whatever mudhole I am in from three years ago. It's going to take some doing, because I've pretty much dug myself into not seeing the way out.
So any suggestions? |
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| Things change |
[Sep. 28th, 2006|03:44 am] |
I don't know who I am. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'll do when I get there.
That's all the fun part though. "Where are you going with life, Earl?" It doesn't matter; I don't care. All I know is that I will get there. I'll do something good. I'll do something extraordinary. I don't wake up and look in the mirror and hate the visage staring back. Not all times of my life was the story written that way. Never again won't it be that way though. I've learned some lessons, mostly the hard way (as I always do), and the most important one was to love myself. If I am in a situation that is harmful to me, I should leave it, regardless of whomever it might affect (barring intermediate family or very close friends and the likeness of that proximity.), because, quite simply, I owe it to myself to, and I owe it to others to.
More importantly, I have realized that no matter where I go and what I do, there I am. Not a single soul can impact me unless I let them. I choose who and what affects me negatively and positively. I have also realized that there is a higher power. There is a cause that is not an effect. A being exists to which there is no greater. That being is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. That being is everything, whether I can truly envelop that or not. And, more importantly, all people are linked to that one being, whether realized or not, because that being is existence. Existence continually perpetuates me and all of life. Existence takes an active role in my life. Existence loves me, because, as a mother is an instrument in creating me (along with the father, it does take two to tango), existence is the very reason I am here. And I am. I am empowered by the fact that I exist and can never cease to.
All people are connected to this higher good. I am trying to take an active role in my own psyche to being more friendly; being more loving; being more myself. Anyone that knows me realizes (I hope) that I am at heart a kind person. I desire to do for other people, and, in turn, most give freely of themselves to me. That is the basis for a healthy relationship. Recently, I realized that a lot of my relationships were not so healthy. I have been trying to remedy that fact, and I am meeting new people in which I would love the relationship to proliferate into one of mutual respect and love.
Because, you see, that is the basis for life. Life is a furthering of love, and a growth of love. Love is the effect of a long relationship of mutual trust. Love is not an emotion. When love is an emotion, it is infatuation or lust (pick your poison really). When love is really love, born of first courtesy, then respect, marriage doesn't end in divorce. Lukewarm is probably the worst place to be, because love is kinda like tea: good hot or cold, but in the middle it is rather disgusting.
In light of this, if I haven't talked to some of you recently, it is because I probably don't want to. Honesty is the best in that situation. It isn't that I hate you, or anyone for that matter. Our lives intersect for points and it isn't healthy that they continue on in the same direction if they weren't meant to. And, I'm sure you all realized it, in your hearts. I see myself as a new human today, from this moment, the past not forgotten but in the past. If you would like to get to know me again meet me again on that level.
I don't want to be lukewarm; I don't want to be gray. I want to be a solid line, even if my line isn't straight and doesn't lead anywhere. I am tired. Very tired. Tired enough to purge my inhibitions and become what I am. I still my procrastinate, I still might not get anywhere, but I am still myself when I do it. I am myself, and if that isn't something you can deal with, I guess we don't have much to say.
So remember kids: Courtesy, trust, respect then love. It takes awhile, don't rush it. It is never a happy and good thing to not take your time in the most important things in your life: the people around you (whether you are an introvert or an extrovert). |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2006|03:19 am] |
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When you have a story to tell, it just kind of writes itself. But, what if there is no story, but you really want to tell it? Some people can write a song without feeling a passion. What makes one able to channel emotion so much more readily? The perfect song could be written by that person without a passion, but there is no power behind it. How does art make passion out of mediocrity? How do two people take a picture and one is beautiful and the other is kindle? Technique is very little of the soul of art. Science has no place here, we can be so good at something but fall short because it isn't natural, that thing that is art. What is it? |
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